Monday, 14 January 2008

UBS: bonus sales

UBS is so worried that its best investment bankers are going to jump ship that it is allowing them to sell some of their share-based bonuses after just one year. Cash bonuses are down as a result of the bank's losses with the subprime disaster in America.

I think this is a very good idea, but there must be other ways of rewarding staff. When I worked at Shaman Money Management I tried to reward the shamans and mystics under me by sending them on trips to the desert. It is actually quite cheap to do this because you only have to pay for the air fare. There are no hotel expenses as the staff stay in caves. Unfortunately, the bosses at SMM didn't approve. They thought that money was the only way to reward staff. Trips to the desert were banned, and morale hit rock bottom.

Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that conventional investment bankers are only interested in money and would consider any trip to the desert as utterly insane. Well, I don't know. You'd be surprised how many bankers have a spiritual side. You'd be surprised how many bankers read this blog and have actually emailed me. They practically beg me to clean out their chakras, or open up their third eye, or paste fortune oil all over their face, or put a good word in for them with Big Herb. These 'conventional' bankers have a real hunger for something beyond money. But don't get me wrong. Don't start imagining that I'm some deluded socialist who despises money. I am a staunch capitalist, always have been. But as I keep saying over and over again - money is spiritual. By making money you can travel a road that will lead you to the world of the gods.

So, what should UBS do? My advice is that the bank should do the desert thing, but also arrange chakra healing and meditation sessions, hand out free crystals to its staff, and play soothing music in the office with subliminal messages. What messages? Something like - 'O beautiful bankers, the universe loves you' or 'There is money burning in your heart, cherish it'. Shit like that. That stuff works wonders, believe me.