Jamie Dundas joins Jupiter Asset Management

Some interesting news. Jamie Dundas is taking over as the chairman of Jupiter Asset Management. Of course, I wish him all the best, but when I heard the news I started thinking - whatever happened to Jupiter? Do people still worship him?

I was under the impression that Jupiter had been pensioned off in 324 when the emperor Constantine made Christianity the state religion in Rome. I have been speaking to Arthur Simmons about this - he knows quite a bit about the ancient gods - and he told me, 'To say that Jupiter was pissed at Constantine for pulling that stroke is a massive understatement. He was fucking livid. Constantine ended up moving to Byzantium because of the fallout from it all. Anyway, Jupiter was at a loose end, so he decided to move into finance. He's done very well out of it. Jupiter Asset Management is just one of his companies. He's absolutely minted.'

Jerome Kerviel: are there two of him?

Paris is abuzz with stories of there being two Jerome Kerviels. The other one is called Olivier and he used to be connected to BNP Paribas in some way. But that's not all. I've heard that there could be as many as five or six Kerviels, or even seven or eight. How is this possible?

How? Let me tell you. There is a little known mystical process called soul splitting. With this process anyone can split their soul into as many pieces as takes their fancy. They then put a slice of their soul into a ghost-like creature which looks exactly like them. And then they can send this creature out into the world to do their bidding. I suspect this is what Jerome Kerviel has been up to. Very, very clever! It means he can spread the risk.

My dear friend Keith Busby has personal experience of soul splitting, and he says, 'Yeah, I've done that. I created Ron Busby, Dave Busby, Pete Busby and Derek Busby. But you have to be careful because it can backfire. It backfired on me. My creatures decided to band together and give me a pasting. They actually jumped me one night when I was coming out of the pub. But I settled their hash. I liquidated them using a crystal which I had previously charged with the power of Kali. I hope Mr Kerviel knows what he is doing.'

O Wall Street

O Wall Street, the time has come, the time is now - you must embrace mystical capitalism! You can put it off no longer! The time is now!

O you investment bankers, you sons and daughters of the Gekko, have no fear, Jack Pickles will not harm you. Trust in Big Herb. Wall Street must become a living thing - look at Canary Wharf over the great sea! Watch how it shimmers in the mystic haze of money! See the gods, the ghosts, the shamans and mystics. O Wall Street, you must come alive and live in the wild dreams of capitalists and the dark fears of socialists. Ah, the credit crunch! The horror! Show no fear! Be strong!

Join Vikram Pandit in the church of his love! See the money fly! Is this a dream, a vision, the ravings of a hermit Buddha Christ God in love with the cash that burns in his eyes like a flame from the angel's mouth? What angel? What am I saying? Where am I? Am I lost in the whirling cosmos like a banker child in flames? What is that sound? Is it a cash register, or is it the voice of God? Oh, I don't feel well.

O Wall Street, see what you've done! The strain! The horror! A noble mind overthrown! I was only trying to help. I wanted you to be like Canary Wharf. When will you embrace mystical capitalism? I'm telling you the time is now! NOW! You must come into the light, the light, the beautiful light, where money wafts around like a little dove.

Morgan Stanley: new managing directors

Morgan Stanley has just announced the names of its new managing directors. They are all talented, committed individuals (that's nice, isn't it?) and they embody what it means to be world wise. Fine. Absolutely nothing wrong with that. But how many of them are financial shamans or money mystics? That's a moot question. I don't know any of these new directors. No, tell a lie, I can recall bumping into Adam Jonas in the desert one time, but that's about it. Maybe I'm missing something. Maybe mystical capitalism isn't the big deal I keep saying it is. Well, never mind.

Congratulations to: Ajit Agrawal, Alastair Cochran, Brian C. Healy, Gerard Minack, Harry Soh, Kamal Ahmed, Craig W. Collar, Kim Christian Henriksson, Luis R. Miraglia, Mikhail Eugen Soloviev, Chetan Ahya, Bernard P. Cooney III, Thomas Hewett, Hideo Misawa, Derek Stanwell, Peter Albero, Thomas Copper, Shigenobu Higuchi, Martin Steven Mitchell, Dirk Jens Stephanek, Carmen Alonso, Xavier Corin-Mick, James J. Hill, Claire Montgomery, Michael A. Stern, Tim G. Arcedeckne-Butler, Don Cornwell, Noriaki Hirakata, Anthony Mullineaux, Anthony Christopher Michael Stewart, Sam Arora, Todd J. Davison, Angeline Ho, James C. Murray, Lawrence Ian Steyn, Darren Paul Baggett, Gregg O. Dawley, Sheng-Ching Ho, Denis Mustafa, Oliver Stuart, Julien Bahurel, Javier De Busturia, Kenta Homma, Ted Niggli, Yumi Suginomori, Ralph Balzano, Guillaume De Toulouse-Lautrec, Jan Hutchings, Brian Niles, Peg Sullivan, Sarah Barratt Ball, Gary R. DeMoss, Edward Imperatori, Michael Nolan, Eric Suss, Elga Bartsch, Barbara Donnelly, Joeri J. Jacobs, Craig Norton, Martina Szameitat, Thomas B. Bastian, Arnaud Droitcourt, Vinay Jaising, Randall P. O'Connor, Peter Szekely, Mark Baumgartner, Clifford D'Souza, Vinay Jayaram, Ivan Ortiz, Randolph Takian, Eric Baurmeister, Elizabeth Nancy Dunlop, Adam Jonas, Fergus O'Sullivan, Eric Tardif, Ricardo Jaime Behar, Maryalice Dunne, Steven Peter Jones, Keiko Otsuki, Christopher William Thompson, Karl Beinkampen, Charles Emerling, Almas Jumagaly, Wolfgang Pammer, Samuel Thong, Roberto Belchior da Silva, Sait Mehmet Erda, Charlotte Kalaidjian, Pavlos Papageorgiou, Alex To, Brian E. Binder, Shaun P. Fallon, Brett R. Kalesky, Alexa Pappas, Andrew Trapnell, Michael Bluhm, Robert Falls, Levon S. Kazarian, Chanik Park, James Traverso, Jean Bourlot, Thomas Felgner, John F. Kelly, Scott N. Pecullan, John Travis, Edward Bowen, James P. Flanagan, Barry Kenneth, Enrique Perez-Hernandez, Kapil Trikha, Darren Bowler, Stephen J. Flynn, Nicolas Kerno, Mary Lou Peters, Kevin Turner, Jack Boyadjian, Erik J. Forssman, Douglas A. Klion, Garth Peterson, Emmanuel Turpin, Geraldine Boyle, Scott A. Francoeur, Jonathan Koessler, Barry M. Piafsky, John Tyree, Alexandra Brougham, Dominic Freemantle, Katarina Kohlmayer, Amy Gunther Price, Chikako Ueda, Jan Brouwers, Jonathan L. Frey, Marcus Komm, Senad Prusac, Anne Valentine Andrews, Elizabeth Brown, Gerrit Frohn, Jorge Kuri, Oliver Puhl, Homiyar Vasania, Christopher M. Bucchino, Michael Fusco, Brett Langbert, Ian C. Radomski, Kathleen V. Verelst, Zachary Buchwald, Todd Giardinelli, James Lapushner, Walter (Bud) Rein, Erberto Viazzo, James Butcher, Bradford M. Gibbs, Stephen A. LaVersa, Barbara M. Reinhard, Peter Volker-Albert, Wei Cai, William Goebelbecker, Chong Leong, Gerard Rieger, Benjamin Jonathan James Walker, Vincent Campagnoli, Brendan Goffinet, Jacqueline LiCalzi, R. Marco Robert, Richard N. Webb, Mark Carlile, Daniel Krepel Goldberg, Jack Loh, Jeffrey Rosen, Philip Westermann, James Caron, Emmanuel Goldstein, Sarmad Amin Lone, John M. Ryan, Daniel Wetstein, D'Arcy Carr, William Graham, Hugh Macdonnell, Leslie Ryan, Jason Michael Windsor, Philip G. Casparius, Christopher Gratias, Alexandra MacMahon, Jose Maria Saiz Nicolas, Robert Wojciechowicz, JoAnne Ceriello, Matthew Graver, Anand B. Madduri, Ariel I. Seldman, Claudine Wolfe, Sandeep Chainani, Scott Greenberg, Scott Magnesen, Kevin J.W. Sheehan, Clare Woodman, Richard Chalker, Rod Greenwood, Beatriz Martin Jimenez, Mark J. Sheehy, Hiroshi Yanagawa, Stefanie Chang Yu, Parag Gude, Philip May, John L. Sheldon, Kai Yang, Marcus B. Childress, Justin Haik, Mark R. McClure, Mieko Shibata, Andrew Y. Yoon, Alan Paul Chilvers, Jay Hallik, Thomas Allen McKinney, Erik Lee Siegel, Bing Yuan, Helen C. Cho, Peter C. Harned, Douglas E. McNeely, John K. Silver, Melford Yuan, Stanley S. Choung, Nicholas Harness, Colin McQueen, Ponty Singh, Edward Zabrocki, David A. Ciagne, Andrew S. Hawkyard, Mahim Mehra, Dominic Skeet, Eddy Zervigon, Alessandro Ciavarini-Azzi, Jonathan Haycock, Ken T. Merner, Iain Duncan Smedley, Qingqi Robert Zhang, Alex Clavel, Jill Hayman, Michael Mills, Jerry Smith, Fabrizio Zichichi, Nicholas Clayton.

Bill Watkins: we're all going to die!

Bill Watkins - the chief executive of Seagate Technology - likes to tell his employees that they are going to die soon. Apparently, it motivates them. He also believes in team-building exercises like white-water rafting.

White-water rafting? That's a bit old hat, isn't it? And does it fool anyone? The great Felix Dennis once said that team spirit is for losers. It's the glue that binds the losers together.

White-water rafting is all about brainwashing gullible people into being your slaves. I say no to this. I believe in the mystical way. The money way. Mystical capitalism is all about drawing money to you, becoming free, being your own master, adventures on the astral plane, dancing and chanting beneath the moon, expanding your consciousness. Down with slavery! Down with white-water rafting! Only the devil is interested in such nonsense. Derange yourself! Be free.

400 jobs to go at Citigroup

Citigroup is planning to cut around 400 of its investment banking staff in Canary Wharf. This is part of an annual review in which the bank weeds out the weakest 5 per cent of its staff. Goldman Sachs does this as well. I suppose other banks must also do it.

I'm wondering though how banks identify their weakest employees. Is it all about money, or are there other factors involved? I have been speaking to award-winning financial psychic Keith Busby, and he said, 'I fear money is the main concern for most banks, but they should be more enlightened than this. Instead of sacking an employee who doesn't bring the money in, they should realign his or her chakras. Scientific tests have shown that a banker or trader with well-balanced chakras performs better than someone whose chakras are all fucked up. Maurice Marble III conducted these tests, and he knows what he is doing. It's scientific. You can't argue with science.'

I wouldn't want to argue with science, but let's forget about money altogether. Even if a banker is no good at making money (even with perfect chakras), maybe he or she has other qualities that a bank would need. I mean, imagine a dreary bank where everyone is hard at work - and suddenly a banker, whom everyone considers absolutely useless, receives a message from the world of spirit. Imagine he takes this message to his boss. Imagine the message is so beautiful, so full of peace and love and joy, that this hard boss, this cold assassin, breaks down in tears. Imagine the boss becomes infused with a divine light and then goes on to preach a gospel of holy love to everyone in the bank. Imagine everyone in the bank then stops working and devotes themself to higher things. Imagine everyone crying and singing and dancing, full of happiness, living and breathing this new holy love. Wouldn't that be something more precious than money?

Richelieu accepts offer from KBC

The French asset management group Richelieu is going to be bought by the Belgian bank KBC. This is brilliant news. Drinks all round!

I'm afraid I don't know anything about Richelieu, but I presume the group was founded by Dennis Wheatley's hero the Duc de Richelieu. As you may recall, dear reader, in The Devil Rides Out the Duc de Richelieu was concerned with getting his hands on the Talisman of Set, which actually turned out to be a penis. At the end of the book he throws this 'talisman' on to a fire to prevent the four horsemen of the apocalypse showing up and making a scene.

So, how did the Duc de Richelieu get into finance? Well, how does any shaman, mystic, ghostbuster, soothsayer, sage or god get into it? Obviously, he realized the truth that money is spiritual. Money puts power in your soul. The Duc de Richelieu was before his time, and KBC can be very proud to associate itself with him.

Andy Green impresses analysts at City cocktail party

Andy Green, the new chief executive of IT services company LogicaCMG, apparently impressed a lot of analysts at a cocktail party in the City of London on Monday evening. Well, that's not very difficult, is it? They were probably all drunk.

I wish I had gone now. Yes, I was invited to the party but had other business at the Big Herb temple in Leadenhall Street. Maybe I'm being too harsh. The party could have been a very sober affair. I'm just thinking of what happened the last couple of times I went to meetings or parties for shamans and mystics. There was the annual meeting of the Financial Shamans and Money Mystics Association of Great Britain, which nearly turned into a riot. I will not be attending that event again. Also, there was that ceremony/party last Halloween. I'm afraid I let myself down and allowed David Pitt to ply me with whiskies all night. But I'm glad to say I am completely teetotal now. It's very difficult to come across as all mystical when you're half-cut - and I need to set an example. I will set an example. NO MORE BOOZE!

Early meetings on Wall Street

Yesterday there were plenty of early meetings in Wall Street investment banks and other financial businesses - everyone scared shitless and waiting for the coming storm.

All except for Benny Monroe. Benny is a very good friend of mine from the days of Shaman Money Management, and he told me late last night, 'Everyone on Wall Street was panicking, but not me. As you know, I'm one of the top shamans on Wall Street, and I do things differently. I got into my office at six, did a bit of yoga, chilled myself out, prayed to Big Herb, and then I balanced a crystal on my head. Some of the squares at my bank gave me a few funny looks, but I don't care because I get results. And my bosses know I get results. About that crystal - it is very, very important to balance a crystal on your head for at least ten minutes before the start of a potentially stressful day. This is not to be confused with crystal mind blasting. A lot of immature bankers are indulging in the mind blasting craze, but I won't touch it. Anyway, I had a very good day and actually made a bit of money, believe it or not. Crystals, I swear by them.'

Stock markets in trouble

Stock markets around the world fell yesterday due to fears of a US recession. America itself was on holiday, but US markets will probably fall today. Are we all doomed?

Well, I for one will not be selling any of my shares. I like to take a long-term view, and I believe the markets will bounce back. Teun Draaisma doesn't agree with me, of course - but we've never seen eye to eye, me and old Teun. We just can't get along for some reason.

There is one thing that is bothering me though: I haven't been able to contact Big Herb. David Pitt, chief priest in the cult of Big Herb, has assured me that Herb still maintains that there will not be a recession. Okay. But why won't he come out and say something now to boost the confidence of investors?

One last thing. I suppose we are in a bear market at the moment. However, I don't think it is very helpful to think in terms of bears and bulls. What we really need is a shaman market.

Goldman Sachs managing directors: how many of them are financial shamans or money mystics?

Goldman Sachs is probably the greatest investment bank in the world - and maybe the universe. It employs over 1700 managing directors, but how many of them are bona fide financial shamans or money mystics? I have compiled a list of 300 Goldman managing directors. Quite a few of these people I know very well, and I know they are shamans or mystics. Some of it is pure guesswork. For example, I have never heard of Sharmin Mossavar-Rahmani, but if he's not a financial shaman, then who is? I mean, with a name like that, come on!

I showed this list to Arthur Simmons. Unfortunately, he would not tell me if he had trained any of these people. He has been so secretive lately. What's his problem?

Well, anyway, here's the list. Apologies to any shamans or mystics I've left off the list, and apologies to anyone on the list who is not a shaman or mystic. But I bet you wish you were one, eh?

Howard A. Silverstein, Thomas E. Tuft, Frank L. Coulson Jr, Joseph H. Gleberman, Timothy J. O'Neill, John J. Powers, Gregory K. Palm, Gene T. Sykes, Sharmin Mossavar-Rahmani, Henry Cornell, Francis J. Ingrassia, Robert Litterman, Richard G. Sherlund, Matthew C. Westerman, Byron D. Trott, Milton R. Berlinski, Jean-Luc Biamonti, Thomas C. Brasco, Peter D. Brundage, Abby Joseph Cohen, Randolph L. Cowen, Philip M. Darivoff, Glenn P. Earle, C. Douglas Fuge, Gwen R. Libstag, Victor M. Lopez-Balboa, Sanjeev K. Mehra, Stuart M. Rothenberg, Muneer A. Satter, Theodore T. Sotir, Marc A. Spilker, Mark R. Tercek, Susan A. Willetts, Philippe J. Altuzarra, Charles W.A. Bott, Steven M. Bunson, George H. Butcher III, Alexander C. Dibelius, Karlo J. Duvnjak, Isabelle Ealet, Elizabeth C. Fascitelli, Celeste A. Guth, Gregory T. Hoogkamp, Josephine Linden, Antigone Loudiadis, David J. Mastrocola, Charlotte P. Ransom, Kaysie P. Uniacke, Haruko Watanuki, Paolo Zannoni, Yoel Zaoui, Frances R. Bermanzohn, Richard M. Campbell-Breeden, Anthony H. Carpet, Kent A. Clark, Daniel A. Sharfman, Jana Hale Doty, Dioscoro-Roy I. Ramos, Jacob D. Rosengarten, Steven M. Scopellite, Edward M. Siskind, Tetsufumi Yamakawa, David J. Greenwald, Michael G. De Lathauwer, Martin R. Devenish, Toni-Dara Infante, Raymond J. Iwanowski, David K. Kaugher, Ellen R. Porges, Pablo J. Salame, Shahriar Tadjbakhsh, Donald J. Truesdale, Jason H. Ekaireb, Antonio Borges, Seaborn S. Eastland, Elizabeth E. Beshel, Amy L. Chasen, W. Reed Chisholm II, Jean A. De Pourtales, Earl S. Enzer, Robert K. Frumkes, Robert R. Gheewalla, Pedro Gonzalez Grau, Kenneth W. Hitchner, Andrew R. Jessop, Carsten Kengeter, George C. Liberopoulos, James R. Paradise, Richard J. Sussman, Caspar W. Von Koskull, Gary J. Sveva, Harry Silver, Ignacio Alvarez-Rendueles, Larry J. Goodwin, David J. Grounsell, Melina E. Higgins, Jill E. Lohrfink, Bernard A. Mensah, Gavin G. O'Connor, Anthony J. Principato, Thomas S. Riggs III, Jeffrey S. Sloan, David D. Wildermuth, William M. Wicker, Philip S. Hylander, Stacy Bash-Polley, Driss Ben-Brahim, Thomas V. Cholnoky, Bradley S. DeFoor, Pierre-Henri Flamand, Michael J. Grimaldi, J. Christopher A. Kojima, Simon M. Lamb, Terence Tayseop Lim, Paula B. Madoff, Puneet Malhi, Milton R. Millman, Steven M. Pinkos, Kirk L. Rimer, Guy C. Slimmon, Richard J. Stingi, Robin A. Vince, Howard Q. Spooner, Sanaz Zaimi, Olusegun O. Aganga, Anton J. Arriola, John W. Cembrook, William J. Conley Jr, Thomas W. Cornacchia, Francois-Xavier de Mallmann, L. Brooks Entwistle, Mark B. Florian, J. Douglas Kramer, Thomas H. Mattox, Peter C. Oppenheimer, Peter D. Selman, Heather K. Shemilt, Thomas D. Teles, Greg A. Tusar, Helena Koo, Peter F. Spies, Stefan R. Bollinger, Fareed T. Ali, Dolores S. Bamford, Christoph M. Brand, David C. Carlebach, Ahmad B. Deek, Wolfgang Fink, David L. Jasper, Christopher M. Keogh, Peter Kimpel, Gregory Kuppenheimer, Linda A. LaGorga, Christopher D. McFadden, Cheri S. Mowrey Davison, Bryant C. Park, Bruce B. Petersen, Cameron P. Poetzscher, Buckley T. Ratchford, Robert W. Savage, Lewis M. Segal, Ying Ying Glenda So, Robert J. Sweeney, Terrence P. Travis, Alan S. Waxman, Dominic A. Wilson, Court E. Golumbic, Douglas Borden, Kent D. Daniel, Fenglei Fang, Nancy Gloor, Farid Pasha, Marc O. Boheim, Ralane F. Bonn, Torrey J. Browder, Charles E. Burrows, Stuart A. Cash, Albert F. Dombrowski, Daniel A. Dreyfus, Henrik G. Ehrnrooth, Stephan J. Feldgoise, Benjamin W. Ferguson, Ivan C. Gallegos Rivas, Basil P. Geoghegan, Christoph Gugelmann, John D. Haase, David R. Mittelbusher, Rebecca M. Shaghalian, Barry Sklar, Jeffrey E. Sockwell, Mark R. Sorrell, Cory W. Thackeray, David G. Torrible, Suzette M. Unger, Lai Kun Judy Vas Chau, Oliver C. Will, Kenneth N. Murphy, Krishnamurthy Sudarshan, Maziar Minovi, Todd E. Eagle, Robin Rousseau, Stefan Dorfmeister, James H. Sprayregan, Michael Rimland, Jeff Abt, Dojin Kim, Vesna Nevistic, Rene Mottas, Elif A. Aktug, Koral Anderson, Kulbir S. Arora, Gerard M. Beatty, Shane M. Bolton, Stephen Branton-Speak, Benjamin R. Broadbent, Richard J. Butland, Kasper E. Christoffersen, Juan D. Gomez-Villalba, Dylan S. Halterlein, Harold P. Hope III, Christian Kames, Andrew J. Kleeger, Ravi G. Krishnan, Leland Lim, Fabio N. Mariani, Shogo Matsuzawa, Patrick S. McClymont, Scott R. Norby, Graham H. Officer, Gerald B. Ouderkirk III, Barend M. Pennings, Curtis S. Probst, Kara Saxon, Justin W. Slatky, Radford Small, Raghu Srinivasan, Kevin M. Sterling, Robert M. Suss, J. Richard Suth, Oliver Thym, Michael S. Turok, Fred Waldman, Iain N. Drayton, Gregg J. Felton, Drake Pike, Douglas R. Manchester, William L. Blais, William F. Spoor, Peter Scaturro, Robert M. Pulford, Maximillian C. Justicz, Kenneth J. Newcombe, Timothy J. Talkington, Robert Son, Steven Tulip, Serge Marquie, Quentin Andre, George Assaly, Michael H. Bartsch, Lawrence S. Brandman, Francesco Cafagna, Jimmy R. Carlberg, Westley D. Chapman, Charles J. Citro, John G. Creaton, Cecile Crochu, Andrew K. Davilman, Babak Eftekhari, Jonathan H. Fine, Ramani Ganesh, Richard C. Govers, Arni G. Hauksson, Steven P. Herrup, Brian J. Jacoby, Dominique M. Jooris, William P. Keirstead, Satoshi Kubo, Shane M. Lanoway, Edward T. Lees, Philip G.W. Lindop, Michael W. Linse, Rory A. MacFarquhar, Christoffer L. Malmer, Matthew D. McAskin, Francesco Mele, Xavier C. Menguy, Jason Moo, Edward S. Pallesen, Richard A. Peacock, James F. Powell, Padideh N. Raphael, Douglas L. Sacks, Luke A. Sarsfield III, James Roger Francis Shipton, Anna K. Skoglund, Ronny Soemitro, Aurora J. Swithenbank, Carl H. Taniguchi, Robert B. Thompson, Kenneth A. Topping.

Dow Jones Dharma Indexes

Absolutely fantastic news! Dow Jones Indexes and Dharma Investments are working together and have set up the Dow Jones Dharma Indexes. We all know that dharma is the eternal law of the cosmos. The companies that abide by this law are going to be monitored now by the Dow Jones Dharma Indexes! How brilliant is that?

There is no stopping mystical capitalism. It can only be a matter of time before all the companies in the world have to obey the eternal law of the cosmos. Don't laugh. It will happen - one day. Ganesh is on board. Pan is on board. Big Herb is rocking at the moment. Business people the world over need to realize that there is no escaping the universe and its laws. We are the cosmos. We are the people. That sounds obvious, but most business nuts still don't acknowledge the fact. Their focus is all money, money, money. But there is something else. There is the lonely ghost in the hallway at midnight. There is the alchemist making his gold. There is the deranged mystic howling at the moon. All this is beyond money, and yet - in a way - it is money. Money is everywhere. Money is in your soul. Money is in the hoot of the owl. Money is in the crimson cloud hovering over the hermit's cave. We all know this. Look into your heart. Do you know it? Do you know it for real? Yes, you do. YES! YES! YES!

Steve Delo and the great Pan

Steve Delo has been appointed chief executive of Pan Group's new governance partnership. I wish him all the best.

I don't really know too much about Pan Group's new governance partnership, but we all know that Pan is the god of nature and the universe. This can only be a good thing. What I mean is, I presume Steve will now be responsible for bringing all the different gods together and making sure that they are all moving in the same direction. We need this. Only last month I had to intervene in an argument between Ganesh and Big Herb. But I haven't got the time for it. David Pitt hasn't got the time for it. We're busy men. I actually tried to contact Pan, but I couldn't reach him on the astral plane. Well, at least he has got off his arse now and decided to sort the gods out and get this partnership going. Steve Delo is a decent man. Pan made the right choice.

Will it work though? It will have to work. There is so much chaos in the universe. Your average joe in the street likes to imagine the universe is neat and tidy. If only that were true. Frankly, it's a fucking mess. Too many gods are working in the same areas, and it just leads to confusion and conflict. We can't have this - not with so much money involved. The chief executives of the big investment banks will not want to touch mystical capitalism with a bargepole if they feel the whole thing is being run like a circus. That's a fact. Hard-headed business people always look at the bottom line. Mr Delo will have to convince the banks that the gods are just as money hungry as any City of London or Wall Street trader. But don't worry, he'll do it.

HSBC renames its investment division

Exciting news. HSBC is changing the name of its investment division from 'corporate, investment banking and markets' to 'global banking and markets'.

Wow! I'll say it again - wow! Couldn't HSBC do better than that? How about - 'shamanic banking and global mysticism'? Or 'investment gods and banking seers'? Or 'market global banking warriors of the Big Herb cult and lords of the big money'? Let's have a bit of honesty, please.

Deutsche Bank: Josef Ackermann wants greater investment bank transparency

About bloody time! Josef Ackermann, the big cheese at Deutsche Bank, has called for investment banks to be more open - to combat the loss of investor confidence in complex financial products.

He's not just talking about securities and all that jazz though, is he? Reading between the lines, I can tell he wants investment banks to admit that they employ financial shamans and money mystics. So far, only the British merchant bank Dodger Coombes has publicly announced that it employs mystical workers. Well, why doesn't Mr Ackermann tell the truth about Deutsche Bank? I'm pretty sure the bank employs loads of shamans and mystics.

I have been speaking to Arthur Simmons this morning. Unfortunately, I can't publish what he said because he is still steaming about the other day. During our phone conversation he called one highly respected City trader a mofo. He sees conspiracies everywhere now. I hope he's not going to end up like Keith Busby. Anyway, Arthur more or less agrees with me that Deutsche Bank should follow the lead of Dodger Coombes - let's hear the truth!

American banks in $21 billion foreign bail-out

Citigroup and Merrill Lynch were forced to turn to foreign investors yesterday for $21.1 billion of fresh capital. This is all because of the losses the banks suffered as a result of the subprime mortgage nightmare in the US.

Is this the end of it now, or will there be further losses? Vikram Pandit, Citigroup's new chief, said, 'The church of my love is such a holy place to be.'

Renaissance Technologies: first fund loss in twenty years

Bad news for top hedge fund group Renaissance Technologies. Its Institutional Equities fund lost 1 per cent of its value last year. This may not seem like a total disaster, but a loss is a loss, and Renaissance has led a charmed life so far (if a hedge fund group can have a life, of course. I do talk a lot of crap sometimes, but you know what I mean, don't you?)

What is the reason for this loss? Some absolutely vicious rumours have been circulating. The main one being that a financial shaman working at Renaissance screwed up. I won't have that. I won't have it! I spoke to Arthur Simmons this morning. I will not publish what he said because nearly every other word was an F-word or C-word. He was absolutely furious. Like me, he believes shamans and mystics working in finance are being used as scapegoats when things go wrong.

Well, anyway, I have been doing a bit of investigating and - I have to be careful here - there is a possibility that a rogue money mystic was involved. From what I've heard this mystic was a complete charlatan. But I can't confirm any of this. It is all hearsay. However, I have warned banks and finance companies in the past to carefully vet their mystical staff. Mystical capitalism is still so new and most people don't understand it. So, if any company is considering taking on any new shamans or mystics, it would do well to consult either myself or Arthur first. Sure, we're expensive, but better safe than sorry.

UBS: bonus sales

UBS is so worried that its best investment bankers are going to jump ship that it is allowing them to sell some of their share-based bonuses after just one year. Cash bonuses are down as a result of the bank's losses with the subprime disaster in America.

I think this is a very good idea, but there must be other ways of rewarding staff. When I worked at Shaman Money Management I tried to reward the shamans and mystics under me by sending them on trips to the desert. It is actually quite cheap to do this because you only have to pay for the air fare. There are no hotel expenses as the staff stay in caves. Unfortunately, the bosses at SMM didn't approve. They thought that money was the only way to reward staff. Trips to the desert were banned, and morale hit rock bottom.

Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that conventional investment bankers are only interested in money and would consider any trip to the desert as utterly insane. Well, I don't know. You'd be surprised how many bankers have a spiritual side. You'd be surprised how many bankers read this blog and have actually emailed me. They practically beg me to clean out their chakras, or open up their third eye, or paste fortune oil all over their face, or put a good word in for them with Big Herb. These 'conventional' bankers have a real hunger for something beyond money. But don't get me wrong. Don't start imagining that I'm some deluded socialist who despises money. I am a staunch capitalist, always have been. But as I keep saying over and over again - money is spiritual. By making money you can travel a road that will lead you to the world of the gods.

So, what should UBS do? My advice is that the bank should do the desert thing, but also arrange chakra healing and meditation sessions, hand out free crystals to its staff, and play soothing music in the office with subliminal messages. What messages? Something like - 'O beautiful bankers, the universe loves you' or 'There is money burning in your heart, cherish it'. Shit like that. That stuff works wonders, believe me.

IAA business lunch

This Thursday there will be an IAA business lunch at the Mandarin Oriental in Knightsbridge. The speaker will be Peter Mead - Chairman of Omnicom Europe - and he will be discussing the topic, 'The future lies ahead - trying to make sense of the signs'.

What in God's name is that all about? Trying to make sense of the signs? What signs? Tea leaves? Astrology? And the future lies ahead? Well, of course it does. It wouldn't be fucking behind us, would it? I'm confused. I'm sure Peter Mead is a decent cove, but what on earth is he on about? Where is he coming from with this pseudo-mystical nonsense?

I have been speaking to award-winning financial psychic Keith Busby, and he said to me, 'Michael, you are being purposely obtuse. You know perfectly well what Mr Mead is talking about, or will be talking about. You like your little jokes, don't you? Pete is a seer, pure and simple, just like yourself. Why make fun of him, or deliberately misunderstand him, when he is one of the good guys? Is there something you're not telling us, Michael? Are you jealous of him because the IAA didn't approach you? I bet you would love to be speaking at this lunch, wouldn't you?'

No comment.

Citigroup: more managing directors!

Congratulations! There are even more new managing directors at Citi now - at Smith Barney, Citi Private Bank, and Citi Investment Research. How many does Citi need? Also, how many of this new bunch have been trained in financial shamanism? I know for a fact that there aren't any shamans at Citi Private Bank, but Citi Investment Research could be a different matter. Shamans are good at research.

Well, anyway, congratulations to: Carlos J. Arrizurieta, John Elwaw, David S. Katz, Larry R. Palmer, Matthew Sommer, Haroon Athar, Jonathan R. Elyachar, Govind Kilambi, Raju Pathak, Michael A. Stachura, Andrew Barrett, Michael Ernst, Doug Leggate, Carmine Pennella, Charles T. Stanley, David R. Bench, Tim Fancourt, Lynn Lenton, Paul J. Pereira, Brenda C. Thomas, Brenda Berger, Ronanld L. Fishbein, Lawrence M. Levine, Elizabeth Peterson, Harold J. Trischman, Kathleen Boyle, Jay Foley, Henry Liow, Ted Polk, David C. Tucker, Joe Brent, Harry M. Ford Jr., Fernando Lopez Munoz, Trey Roberts, John A. Turner, Marc J. Brookman, Lori Frischer, Geordie Lunt, Jon V. Rogers, John Tysseland, Jason Brueschke, Aegis J. Frumento, Geeta S. Madan, Thomas Roiz, Nancy G. Usher, Kerry E. Buckley, Barbara J. Fuentez, Hasnain Malik, Michael I. Rollins, Lori A. Van Dusen, Manuel Cabielles, K. T. Gallo, Antoine E. Maroun, Maura Rose, Richard A. Vaughan, Jay Canell, Greg A. Gangas, Terry K. Marr, Lewis S. Rosensitto, Pamela Warren, Neil Canell, John L. Glotzbach, Michael P. Maurer, John P. Rufo, Paul M. Weisenfeld, Robert G. Cantelmo, Geraldine Goh Yeow Siang, Susan McCluskey, David L. Sack, Michael P. White, David Cattrell, Jeffrey Goria, Daniel J. McGuire, Michael P. Salamida, Perry W. Wilder, Eliseo Cervera Lopez, Scott M. Graham, Vikas Mittal, Mary T. Schwartz, Timothy D. Williams, Paul Chanin, Andrew D. Griffo, Kress Monarch, Michael J. Serio, Scott C. Wilson, Cheung Shuk Kwan, Alan S. Guernsey, Carmen R. Monks, John T. Shadden, Jason Yeung, Breda W. Clare, Graham Harman, Cecilia Montoya Mikelis, Phil C. Shaffer, Ideal N. Zanelli, Timothy D. Clarke, Stanley A. Harris, Julia E. Moran, Jeremy Sigee, Jack Clevenger, Patrick Hau, Beth R. Morgenstern, Michael J. Coleman, Henry S. Herschaft, Lee Morris, Ricardo Coronado, Fred C. Hill Jr., Kenneth M. Motz, Robert D. Correll, Thomas E. Hill, Charles H. Mulfinger II, Sean J. Coughlin, Philip Hooper, Mary Allison Mullis, Steven Daniels, Steven T. Howard, Sandra L. Myers, Joseph A. Deneault, James C. Hughes, Lewis J. Nedelcoff, Anthony A. Dertouzos, Lam'a Hussaini, Jeffrey A. Nichol, Peter Dorfman, Anthony E. Kalinowski, Nandan Pai.

Bear Stearns looking for a partner

Bear Stearns, due to recent losses, is desperately searching for a partner. It has been reported that the bank held talks with Fortress Investments, but nothing happened. So, what will happen now? Will Bear Stearns find a suitable partner, or will it be sold to a bigger bank?

I have been speaking to Tatum Jones from the British merchant bank Dodger Coombes, and she said, 'We wouldn't want a partnership with Bear Stearns, but we wouldn't mind some sort of deal where we could share our financial shamans and money mystics with them. That would really help them out, and also be a good way of promoting mystical capitalism in the US. As you know, Dodger Coombes employs more mystics and shamans than any bank in the world, and a lot of people have ridiculed us for that. But look how much money we're making! A few years from now Dodger Coombes will be as respected as Goldman Sachs - that's a promise.'

Lehman Brothers: congratulations!

Lehman Brothers is at it as well. Let's congratulate the shamans and mystics among them in style. O beautiful shamans, glorious mystics, you are the chosen ones. Money will burn in your hearts. Can you feel the burning? The love of money is a burning. Rejoice!

Congratulations to: Niels Ackerman, Nicholas J. Gatti, Sophie Landry, Juhi Prasad, Clifford Ackers, Nicholas J. Gendron, Alex Lau, Paul A. Puskuldjian, Ramon Laurens Balje, Greg Gentile, Noel Leonard, Sundaram Rajagopal, Devesh Bhargava, Ashad I. Ghafur, Peter Leonard, Joshua R. Raskin, Joerg Bode, Caroline Gibault, David E. Levin, Timothy D. Rasner, Russel Botha, Dominic I. Gibb, Sarah J. K. Lewis, Michael D. Rees, Kevin Brady, Jon K. Giblin, John A. Lovito, Christopher E. Roehm, Bret Budenbender, Michelle A. Giordano-Valentine, Christina Maegerlein, Gary M. Rosen, Anthony S. Bugliari, Duncan Goelst, Ari Makela, Adam S. Rosenthal, Terence Burke, Stewart A. Gollmer, D. Hugo Malan, Mark J. Rossano, Richard R. Burton, Anthony S. Gould, Mark F. Mancini, Lonnie B. Rothbort, Peter E. Calistri, Felipe de Grado, Charles A. Manna, Antony J. Rush, Matt Cannon, Michael A. Gran, Amit Manwani, William A. Rutledge V, John Alfonse Cassarini, Stephen J. Gresdo, Shari Mason, Eric J. Schlanger, Jane M. Castle, John L. Hage, John McNiff, Gregoire Schneider, Fabio Castrovillari, Saad Hammoud, Preston D. McSwain, Leonard T. Scicutella, Robert H. Chen, George Hartley, Amir Mehr, Katharine M. Searle, Don S. Choe, Lee Hemmings, Amit Mehrotra, Brian S. Sears, Paola Cicchine, Felicia R. Hendrix, Punit Mehta, Giovanni Sebastiani, Richard E. Coffin, James F. Henn, Mark S. Merchant, Samita Shah, Tim Collins, Emmanuel Hibou, Lewis H. Meyers, Scott L. Shiffman, Daniel Colombi, Leon Hindle, Paul Mitrokostas, Kathleen R. Sorensen, Etienne Comon, Kelvin Ho, Lars Mohn, Timothy F. Steffen, Christopher R. Conetta, Nick John Hoar, Roberto A. Moraes, Marie Stewart, Timothy R. Cook, David E. Hobert, Curt G. Morley, Michael L. Sung, Oliver Cooke, Neeraj Hora, Christopher J. Mosher, Alexis Suzat, Jose V. Cortes III, Malcolm Horton, David M. Nass, Christopher C. Taylor, Alex F. Crepeau, Kanglin Ken Huang, Jean-Baptiste Natali, Kevin Lee Thatcher, Martin D. Davison, Bradley R. Hutchinson, Alex Neumann, Sarah C. Thompson, Albert Desclee, Randall J. Hutton, Michael V. Neumann, Adam R. Toms, Ralf C. Dieke, Jay M. Hyman, Colleen A. O'Callaghan, Neal H. Ullman, Brian Dolan, Laurent Ichard, Michael O'Dwyer, Erik G. Umlauf, Gerald J. Dupuis, Mohamed Idriss, Tsukasa Ojima, Joseph A. Valenti, Olivier Durantel, Jason Imperato, James O'Malley, Kasper van Griensven, Thomas E. Ehlke, Susanna Invernizzi, Christopher J. S. O'Meara, Laura Vecchio, Michael R. Ellsworth, Alex Iosilevich, Thomas P. O'Reilly, Anthony D. Viscardi, James R. Emmert, Douglas H. Jackson, Hui Ou-Yang, Pierluigi Volini, Timothy E. Estella, Jack Johnson, Vijay Pant, Keith Wagner, Michael R. Fahy, Jock T. Jones, Joseph Parisi, Stefan Walgenbach, Ethan Falkove, Khalil A. Kanaan, Paul A. Penkett, Michael A. Webb, Robert E. Fanto, Alan J. Kanders, Felix Perez-Retez, Dana Weinstein, Douglas J. Febo, Charles Kantor, Rhoda C. Peritz, Colin S. A. Welch, Geoffrey F. Feldkamp, Maher Fayez Kara, Tristram Perkins, Nicholas R. M. Wells, John J. Feraca, Angie Karna, Laurie B. Perper, Dave Wheeler, Charles Fisher, Sanjeev Kaushik, Michael Phelps, Mikiya Yamada, Christopher Flanagan, Wayne I. Kawarabayashi, Christopher C. R. Pilot, Elaine Fui San Yong, Daniel J. Fletcher, Jake Tang Seng Kee, Jeff Pio, Abid Zaidi, Joris Fletcher, Vikesh Kotecha, Mark Plansky, Martin Zinkin, Monty L. Forrest, Michael S. Kramer, Alexandra M. Pomeroy, Harry Zinser, Dorothee Johanna Fuhrmann, Ference Lamp, Martin W. Potts.

Citi: congratulations!

Now it's Citi's turn, or Citi Markets & Banking, Citi Alternative Investments, Citigroup Global Markets Limited, or just plain old Citigroup or whatever. Anyway, Citi has an advert today, just like Barclays Capital yesterday. But one big difference - why no pictures? We want to see what these new managing directors look like. Actually, there is an explanation: many of these new managing directors are fully trained financial shamans or money mystics. Arthur Simmons has told me that at least twenty of them are graduates from his college. Citi is protecting its employees, that's all.

Well, congratulations to: Holger Achnitz, Pat Corrado, Alex S. Ho, Dana Lukens, Antranig Sarkissian, Yoshinobu Agu, Daniel Cortes McAllister, Edmond Ho, Tomas Lundquist, Roger Saylor, Usman Ahmed, Paul Creedon, Julia Horan, Alison Lynch Ferreira, Patrick Scally, Sankar Aiyar, Joanne Crisafi, Eduardo Ikuno, Barbara Ma, Mark Schofield, Faisal Ameen, Linda Crow, Takeshi Inoue, Rajat Madhok, Henry Schwake, Jaime A. Arrastia, Fernando Dammert, Steve Iorio, Marianna Maffucci, Adrian Scosceria, Thomas Attenborough, Suzanne K. Dance, Julio Fernando Iraola, Bapi Maitra, Guy Seebohm, Laszlo Balassy, Soumilya Datta, Shujaat Islam, Mary Beth Mandanas, Debopama Sen, K. Balasubramanian, Jose Ribeiro DeAndrade, J. Antonio (Tonet) Itchon, Amin D. Manekia, Sandip Sen, Roger Barnes, Sandeep Desai, Alexander Ivanov, Andreas Massouras, Sanjay Sethi, Varun Batra, Mark Donlon, Blair Jacobson, Mark Mathieson, Venkatesh Sethuraman, Brian D. Bednarski, Bret Dooley, Frederic Jallot, William McGhee, Victoria T. Sharp, Robert Bedwell, Atul Dubey, Jessica James, Michael McGovern, Gil Woon Shin, Sanjeev Behl, Vince Eavis, Lucky Jayaratne, Rob McIvor, Valeria Sica, Rafael Benavente, Julia Elliott, Alan Jenviphakul, Yasuko Minami, Mark Sickafoose, Arnold Bengco, Stephen Elson, Gage Johnson, Richard Moore, Devinjit Singh, Scott Bere, Emeka Emuwa, Rimmo Jolly, Jorge Mora, Tashwinder Singh, Mathias Berenger, Matt Enskat, Thomas Juliana, Juan Moraleda, Svyataslav Slavinskiy, Jean-Luc Bernardi, Wissam Farah, Naveed Kamal, Yoji Morishita, Robert Smith, Sanford Bernhardt, Anthony Farina, Takeo Kaneko, Munir Nanji, Tyrone Smith, Manish Bhai, Michael T. Fasano, Atilla Karasapan, Rajesh Navalkha, Mitali Sohoni, Steven Blatt, Julio Figueroa, Amir Karimi, Rajiv Nayar, P R Srinivasan, David Blattman, Marc Fisher, Emre Karter, Ann Neidenbach, Ramiro Antezana, Robin Blunden, Tina Fordham, Gen Kato, Dung Q. Nguyen, Karsten Stroyberg, David Bohn, Jeremy Franklin, Mino Kawagoe, Ed Nichols, Varadarajan Subbaraman, Pascal Boillat, Jeffrey Gallo, Nigel Philip Kemp, Robert Novembre, Vikram Subrahmanyam, Patrick Boultinghouse, Michael Gambelli, Muhamed Sohail Khan, Gavin O'Neill, Gregory Swanson, David Bouton, Mariano Gaut, Quintus Kilbourn, Giles Ong, Neil George Swinburne, Kamiel Bouw, Juan Carlos George, Michael Kilgallen, Giles Page, Beatrice Tam, David Bullen, Richard Gerwitz, Sandra Kim-Suk, Ebru Pakcan, Takayuki Tamura, Muhammad Z. Butt, Frederic Giovansili, Edward Lam, Roberto Paolino, Richard Ross Ned Tesvich, David Cannon, Mark Gitlen, Tommy Lam, Rahul Parulekar, Greg Trotter, Michael Caperonis, Denny Goenawan, Sean Larcombe, Arom Pathammavong, Itay Tuchman, Alice E. Carr, Geraldine Goh, Gonca Latif-Schmitt, Richard Patterson, Kenneth Tung, Bernardo Chacin, Ryan Gould, David Lau, Nancy Paulson, Bernard Wai, Ron Chakravarti, Philip Graham, Alex Lee, Scott Peng, Susan Wallace, Alfred Chan, Fernando Granziera, Andrew Lee, Mark Pilcher, Andrew Walters, Vipul Chandra, Stephen Green, Sam Ms Lee, Marc Potel, Catherine (Qing) Wang, Sanjeev Chatrath, Otavio Guazzelli, Alex Leon-Prado, Cynthia W. Priest, Deborah Waters, Joy Cheng, Tushar Gundecha, Rosina Leung, Ashwin Punde, William Weaver, Federico Chiaverini, Sugata Gupta, William Liang, Sean Quinn, Douglas B. Wendell, Yoon-Sun Cho, Thomas Hackett, Johannes Liechtenstein, Venkatash Rathnam, Rachel Wilson, Marcus Christoe, Steven Halford, Martin Lifschutz, Sagheer Riaz, Barry Winter, Johanna Chua, Stephen Halmarick, Alan Lin, Chris Riback, Bronwyn Wright, Douglas A. Clark, Sean Hanafin, Jerry S. Y. Lin, Mark Robinson, Ann Wyman, Tim Clark, Roderick Hardamon, Sharon Lin, Ari Rosenberg, Thomas Wynne, Fredric Codet, Patricia Harley, Brian C. Link, Eliot Rubenzahl, Alfredo Zamarriego, Jed Cohen, Brian Harris, Peter Litvin, Nuhad Saliba, Laurie Zeppieri, Panayotis Constantaras, Teri Hartman, Simon Livesey, Kaveh Samie, Henry Zhang, Thomas Cook, Fergus Healy, Jairo Loureiro, Mark Sandwith, Kevin Corbally, David Hill, Robin Lowe, Eric Sanschagrin.

Barclays Capital: congratulations!

Barclays Capital has an advert today (somewhere) congratulating all its new managing directors. There is only one problem. There is not a financial shaman or money mystic among them. Not one. Look at Jotty Dhillon - doesn't he look a touch shamanic? Er, afraid not. He's no shaman. What about Daniel Hodge? Surely, at some point in his life, he has danced and chanted beneath the moon in a desolate landscape. No, sorry. He has absolutely no training in financial shamanism. I was hoping Barclays Capital would be a bit more adventurous than this. What a fool I am!

Well, anyway, congratulations are in order. So, congratulations to: Luca Agostini, Rogerio Alexandre, Takemi Ando, Luisa Arellano-Brakman, Ian Axe (he's got potential), Andres Baltar, Neil Barclay (Barclay?), John Bates, Uwe Becker, Morten Bentsen, Michael Bork, Troy Bowler, Brad Boyse, Peter Bulbrook, Inseok Cha, Paul Ciampa, Nicolas Cohen-Addad, Jonathan David, Jotty Dhillon (a lot of potential), Michael Drexler, Stefan Fischer, Igor Gonta, Jose Gonzalez (you're in Mexico, man, come on!), Paul Goodson, Rob Graham, James Groves, Martin Gueldenberg, Declan Hanlon (never been anywhere near a desert), Daniel Hodge (no), Jonathan Hosgood (I'd be very surprised), Louise Hourigan (one of Susan's mates, may have potential, not really sure), Peter Hu, Guillaume Jacqueau (very poetic, probably best of the bunch), Christian Janssen, Brendan Jarvis, Robert Jones, Philippos Kassimatis, Andrew Kaufmann, Edmund Kearns, Jaideep Khanna (Ganesh will have something to say about this), Rhys Kiff, Jean-Marc Lejeune, Alceu Lima, Siobhan Loftus, Francois-Xavier Louvet (not a bad name, potential), Chris Marks, David Matthews, James McKellar, Christopher McReynolds (old-school capitalist, never a shaman), Jacques Mosseri-Marlio, Hideki Nagai, Gyan Newman, Rakesh Nigam, Robert Nowicki, Simon Ollerenshaw, Brian Olson, Nyagaka Ongeri (you never know), David Ornstein (I very much doubt it), Hiroyasu Oshima, Alexander Pack, Richard Palmer (out of the question), Andrew Payne (can't imagine it), Greg Power (good name, strong face, potential), Peter Romain, Richard Routledge (give me a break), Jeff Rowbottom (no), Sity-Leo Samudera (like the surname), Andrew Selby, Jonathan Shiff, David Simpson, Timothy Stack, Carlos Swiderski, Keith Taylor (I wouldn't have thought so), Matthew Vogel, Chris Walter (absolutely not), John-James Webb, Henry Weitzner, Grant Willis (no), Thomas Paul Wootton (no), David Zwick.

Congratulations! You're simply the best. Better than all the rest.

Tom Glocer's blog

Reuters boss Tom Glocer hasn't posted anything on his blog since the first of December last year - see here. Why not? Has he given up, or is he just too busy?

I suspect he has been reading my blog and fallen into total despair. He knows he can't compete with me. He may be the boss of Reuters, but he's no shaman. Unless he can get to grips with mystical capitalism, he will not be able to keep his readers informed about the latest developments in banking and finance. Will he retrain? No, it ain't gonna happen.

Ray Dalio: interest rate cuts are not the answer

Ray Dalio, founder and chief investment officer of money manager Bridgewater Associates, says that interest rate cuts will not solve the problems caused by the turmoil in the credit markets. He reckons a revaluation of the Chinese renminbi would help.

Well, he's right on the interest rate cuts, but I don't know about this Chinese renminbi stuff. Renminbi? Oh, I don't know. It doesn't sound that good to me. What you need at a time like this is the power of prayer. But to whom should you pray? Forget about God, Jesus, Buddha, Krishna, and the rest of that mob. You have to focus on specialist money gods such as Ganesh, Lakshmi or Big Herb. I personally recommend Big Herb - mainly because of the close working relationship I had with him when he was a mere financier on planet earth.

What kind of prayer should you use? Just a normal money prayer. I strongly advise you to compose your own prayer though. Don't get one out of a book or off the internet. The personal touch is what matters. Big Herb has heard all the prayers before, and he often complains about how pissed off he gets having to listen to them day after day. Why not surprise him? Come up with something original. He'll be impressed. He will see you've made an effort, and - hopefully - he will take a look into your business affairs and see what he can do to help you out. Try it. What have you got to lose?

Close Brothers defections

Close Brothers has been having a rough time of it lately. The latest news is that five members of its investment trust team have done a runner and joined Numis. I don't understand this. Close Brothers is a good bank with some excellent shamans and mystics. The five deserters are Charles Cade, Simon Elliott, David Benda, Nathan Brown and Chris Gook.

I have been speaking to Arthur Simmons from the Chaos College of Finance, and he told me, 'These defections will not harm Close Brothers in the long term. I know all the new Numis hires and not one of them has any training whatsoever in financial shamanism. As mystical capitalism is the way of the future, all Close Brothers has got to do now is concentrate on the spiritual side of its operations. The money will pour in.'

Ex-Goldman analyst Eugene Plotkin goes to jail

I wasn't going to post anything today because I'm rushed off my feet right now with shaman shit you don't need to know about, but I noticed a little story this morning about a former Goldman Sachs analyst who has been sent to jail in America for five years. What for? Insider trading.

How do I feel about it? I'm shocked. There is absolutely no need to break the law like this. If you want financial information that most other people don't have access to, you just have to hire a financial shaman. If you can't afford one, get a money mystic. What's the problem? It's perfectly legal, I think. And even if you were prosecuted, how would it look? - 'Your Honour, I employed a soothsayer to predict which shares would go up or down.' The case would get laughed out of court.

Drake Management: Global Opportunities fund withdrawals

Deranged, crazy, mental investors have been withdrawing their money - $1 billion earlier this week - from Drake Management's top hedge fund Global Opportunities. Why? What the fuck is wrong with these nutballs? Sometimes I despair, I really do.

The Global Opportunities fund is a brilliant fund. It has been falling lately, but I'm sure it will recover. I'm very friendly with some of the people at Drake Management and I want to help them out. I have just spent a good part of the morning perusing Magnus's Book of Money Curses, and I have found a curse that can be directed towards troublesome investors. I've modernized the language a bit, but without spoiling the charm of the original. It goes -

O you fools, you unbelievers, you will burn in the fires of hell! Why did you withdraw your money? Are you afraid? The wise investor makes fear his friend. O you cowards! O you dogs! You shall pay for this. Pay with your souls! And the souls of your children! Go down, down into the pit. Down into the pit! Down! I want to see you no more.

Albourne Partners: hedge fund code must be tougher

Dear reader, you may know that the Hedge Fund Working Group is trying to come up with a code of conduct for hedge funds. Well, Albourne Partners is not happy. It says the code needs to be tougher than the guidelines that were suggested last year.

Very interesting. I'm concerned about all the financial shamans and money mystics who are working in hedge funds at the moment. As you can imagine, mystical people do not like rules and regulations - unless these rules have been laid down by a respected figure like Big Herb. I wonder if we could get him involved. That would allay the fears of a lot of shamans and mystics, although I have no idea how Albourne Partners and the Hedge Fund Working Group would feel about it. Big Herb would have to conduct this business either through David Pitt or myself. But what if Albourne Partners demanded a meeting with Big Herb? That could be a serious problem, considering the fact that Big Herb lives in the world of spirit. We could hold a séance, I suppose. Oh God, this is going to be really complicated. Dear reader, I'll let you know if something happens with this. Don't hold your breath though.

Matt Ridley and Northern 2

I am pleased to announce that Matt Ridley is looking for capital for the Northern 2 venture capital trust he chairs. As you may know, he used to be the chairman of Northern Rock, but he had a bit of trouble. Mr Ridley is hoping that venture capital investors will not be concerned about the Northern Rock debacle.

Well, let's forgive and forget - that's what I say. It's nice to see someone with a positive attitude. Matt is obviously a man who does not let bad events in the past bother him, and he is probably not worried about the credit crisis either. More power to his elbow! That's what I say. We need men of vision like him. I would not be at all surprised if his chakras were extremely well balanced and functioning in a normal manner. Or even more than normal - supernormal! Could this be the case? I think it might. I have taken the liberty of chanting his name all morning and I have discovered something that is truly amazing. His name gives out the most wondrous vibrations. Try it for yourself if you don't believe me. Matt Ridley, Matt Ridley, Matt Ridley. If you can bang a small drum while you're doing it, so much the better. I'm sure Matt won't mind, but I would not advise using a big drum. Potential problems with the neighbours and all that. However, if you live in a cave, go for it!

I hope you are chanting now. What would Matt think if he knew that people all over the world were chanting his name, banging drums (small drums), and releasing mad mystic vibes into the cosmos? I'm sure he would be extremely pleased. I believe Matt wants a joyous union with the universe, and he wants us to share it. He is a great man.

Back from the desert

Hi, everyone! I'm back! I had a great time in the desert. It was wonderful being cut off from civilization because I was able to meditate like I haven't been able to in a long while. I really got into myself and had some amazing realizations and visions. I realized that God put me on this planet for a reason. The fire of money is burning inside me more intensely than ever now, and it will never ever go out. Also, I had some great chats with Big Herb. Back home, I quite often have trouble contacting Big Herb in the spirit world - mainly because of his status as the money god and all the channels I have to go through. But in the desert, boy, does it improve things! It's like comparing a broadband internet connection to the old dial-up shit. Herb came through crystal clear, and I was able to bypass all the bureaucrats as well. Absolutely amazing!

Did I see Jack Pickles out there? Er, I'm not sure. I always had this strange feeling that I was being watched or that someone was following me, but I don't know if it was Jack or not. I remember one night I had a camp fire going and I was chanting beneath the moon, and I thought I saw the shadow of a human figure on the ground. I quickly turned around but no one was there. Maybe I was so out of it that it was an hallucination or something. If it was Jack, why hasn't he got the balls to confront me directly? These dark lords are all the same. They act hard, but they always bottle it in the end. Remember how I sorted out the Fenchurch Street mob? Wankers!