Tuesday, 31 August 2010

The Anton Kreil Institute of Trading and Portfolio Management

Oh, it doesn't get any better than this! I don't know where to start. I mean, ripping this guy a new arsehole. The Anton Kreil Institute of Trading and Portfolio Management! Have you ever heard of anything so ridiculous? And he's on tour! Yes, Anton Kreil will be in Glasgow, London, Newcastle, Leeds, Nottingham, Manchester, Cardiff, and Bristol. It's going to be a sort of X Factor for wannabe traders, with Anton Kreil wearing his trousers right up to his armpits - just like Simon Cowell! I can't wait! Not that I'll be going.

On a more serious note though, I am quite sure that Mr Kreil won't be touching on financial shamanism and mystical capitalism. He's just not the sort. And that's why his students will not learn anything worthwhile at this 'institute'. Maybe this is a good time [I know damn well it is] to mention that Arthur Simmons and I will be conducting a shamanism workshop in the physical desert of our love this coming weekend. Attendees will have to find their own way there. And I'm not telling you where 'there' is. If you're made of the right stuff, you will find the venue. If you're one of the cold ones, you'll probably end up wandering around some airport in a pathetic daze, and we'll have no sympathy for you. We don't want your money anyway. Keep it. It's cold. Ah, the money. It will be £5,000 for the whole weekend. That includes accommodation (cave and a blanket), food (whatever shit we can find in the desert, we're not laying on anything special), and a hit or two of peyote. But what you'll really be paying for is our expertise in the financial shamanism game. Arthur and I are the world's leading exponents of the new creed of mystical capitalism. I'm not saying we invented it. Big Herb more or less invented the game as it exists today. But we popularized it. We brought it to the masses, to the City and Wall Street, and every other major financial centre of the world. If you want to make money the mystical way, we're the guys you have to come to. Unless you want to go cheap. Keith Busby will cut you a deal. But two words: false economy. Yeah?

So what can you expect? Well, you can expect to get high in the friendly astral sky, like an eagle. That goes without saying. You can also expect a burning, and a dance around the campfire in the evening. No surprises there. Pretty standard stuff. That'll take care of Saturday. We're saving the exciting stuff until Sunday. By that time, you'll be well-attuned to the desert and ready to meet the ghosts of the dead financiers. [Try and top that, Anton, you ponce.] Yes, the dead financiers! If you were ever to engage them on your own, it would probably result in your death. But under the guidance of the world's greatest living financial shamans (I'm slightly better than Arthur, of course) you will be able to converse with these terrifying characters in absolute safety. I can assure you that the knowledge they will impart will be worth more than the measly £5,000 you will have paid us. So put it in your diary: the desert, this weekend.

Arthur and I look forward to meeting you.