Tuesday, 24 August 2010

FSA fines Zurich Insurance £2,275,000!

The FSA strikes again! It has fined the UK branch of Zurich Insurance £2,275,000 for failing to look after the personal details of 46,000 of its customers. Fair enough. I don't have a problem with that. Zurich had it coming.

Because Zurich settled at an early stage of the investigation it was given a 30 per cent discount. Wonderful! It deserves the discount for being so cooperative. Everything's roses. Or is it?

What is Margaret Cole, the FSA's director of enforcement and financial crime, going to do with all the money? Well, I have been speaking to the incorrigible Margaret, and this is what she told me: 'Michael, a lot of people would donate this money to charity. They would feel that they could not profit from the incompetence of an insurance firm such as Zurich. It's a point of view. Personally, I think those sort of people are misguided. I did not relieve Zurich of close to three million pounds just so I could throw it all away on a bunch of undeserving losers, be they humans or donkeys. (Donkeys?) Some people like to give their money to donkey sanctuaries, don't they? (Oh yes, I get you, Margaret. Carry on.) No, I will spend the money on myself. I'll buy myself a new car, some new dresses, maybe even in a holiday home in Cornwall. You like Cornwall, don't you, Michael? You could come and stay. Reasonable rates. (Margaret, love, don't you think this is all a little immoral?) How do you mean? (It's not your personal money. You can't just spend it on whatever you like.) Michael, the FSA is in a state of chaos. No one knows what is going on. Where is the money coming from? Where is it going to? No one knows. This is a golden opportunity for me. Mark my words, I'll be leaving the FSA richer than when I joined. The last helicopter will soon be here to take me away, and I'll have to be brutal. My co-workers will be clinging on to the skids. I'll have to kick them in their silly little faces. It's a dog-eat-dog world, Michael. You're such a child! (Margaret, this is absolutely awful! Aren't you interested in spiritual/mystical matters? You could donate the money to a Big Herb temple. This vulgar materialism of yours won't make you happy, you know.) Oh, I know what you would like. Hand it all over to you, so you can burn it during some madcap astral ceremony, eh? I know all about you and your nutty mates. And what would I get out of it? A dance in the moonlight? A touch from the trunk of Ganesh? No thanks. Ain't happening. This is my money. I'm not going to piss it up against the wall.'

Oh, the vulgarity! The corruption! The end of the FSA's reign on earth cannot come soon enough!