Tuesday, 31 August 2010

Credit Suisse: big bonuses this week for the managing directors!

Credit Suisse isn't particularly well known or celebrated for its financial shamans, so I rarely write about the bank. I think the bank has one or two. The odd mystic. The strange seer. But there is some exciting news you should all know about. This week Credit Suisse will hand out millions and millions of pounds to its UK managing directors - early bonuses! Well, they won't get all the cash now. Probably just a taste; a smidgen of cash, as it were. [I love that fucking word! Smidgen! But I digress.] Credit Suisse hopes it will be able to hang on to its star performers by doing this. The bank isn't worried about any bad publicity. Not at all. Let the evil socialists rot in hell! That seems to be the sentiment. Fair enough. I don't see a problem with that. But surely there is a better way to retain staff. Aren't these managing directors motivated by more than money?

‭I have been speaking to ‬Sebastian Grigg at Credit Suisse (corporate finance team), and this is what he spake unto me: 'Michael, we are not motivated by more than money. It is everything to us. It is the food we eat, the drink we drink, and the air we breathe. We live for money! I hope this doesn't upset you. (Sebastian, why would it upset me? I'm just concerned that you are unaware of the fact that the burning of money makes money more than money.) Eh? (Sebastian, the astral burning of money, have ye ever experienced it?) No, afraid not. (Well, that's where you've been going wrong. Pay attention now. If you were to venture into the desert of my love with a wad of cash, I would set the cash alight before your very astral eyes, and then you would be amazed by something that would be ... amazing.) Michael, why would I be amazed by something that would be ... amazing? Why, Michael? Tell me why. (Because you would witness the eternal burning of money. It would not be reduced to ashes. The money would burn for as long as you could stand the ecstasy. And even if you turned your astral eyes away from this great spectacle, the burning would continue - forever!) And what would that do for me? (It would change your life, Sebastian. Money would become more than the food you eat, the drink you drink, and the air you breathe. It would become a part of your soul. A spiritual union, man, way beyond the physical and the mundane. Can't you understand?) I think you're trying to say that money would become 'more' than it already is. Or we would realize that money is 'more' than it seems to be. But we would still be motivated by money, wouldn't we? (Well done, Sebastian! Yes, that's a much better way of putting it. You would become motivated by a great realization of what money actually is, or what it can be. You'd see money in its ultimate reality.) It would be a spiritual thing for us. (Yes, spiritual, mystical, whatever. If you experienced the burning, you would begin to truly appreciate money, see its true value and importance. And the burning would lead on to other things. Developments! Your money would start to lift you up. It would expand your consciousness. It would take you out of your body, right out into the cosmos.) Oh, that sounds great! It would definitely change everything for me. I'll have to give it a try. I might even stay with Credit Suisse if it all goes well. Thanks for this, Mike. (It's my pleasure. I'm here to help, to teach.) You're an amazing guy, Mike!'

Another satisfied customer!