Tuesday, 31 August 2010

Collard Capital Management launches its first hedge fund!

Oh, this is something to celebrate, surely? With words of fire, words of passion. It's called the Collard Global Macro Fund, and it will be run by Simon Collard and James Beaton. From Hedge Funds Review: 'The fund will invest in fixed income, currencies, commodities and cash and is designed to be highly liquid with no gates or side pockets. Initial positions are small with stop-loss limits varying according to the trade.' And there's more in the same open vein.

Oh, fine words, fine words. But not words of fire, words of passion. Maybe Hedge Funds Review should offer me a job. This is what I would have written: '[Back by popular demand, for the fourth time.] [And I'm coming round again, third time lucky - oh, fourth time pushing my luck.] The burning twisting fund in our hearts sun yellow and red and specks of orange will invest fire insanely wildly [passionately, yes, I should have said] in fixed but ecstatic income, watch the lights, aloof but lovely currencies silky floating high high gone, mental commodities swirling low and deep and hard and cash you can sticky to your face jam it [investor faces, nothing like them] and is designed to be highly liquids running down your legs like thick thin lemon juice [is it?] with no gates or side pockets or mad holes [black, white] you can get dangerously lost in them, unless that's what you [they, us] want, you want it, want it badly, you desire it dirty with troubadour in that coat with furry collar, and then maybe you can come to some arrangement [evil] with Collard Capital which will come to some arrangement with you, because they love it, Simon and James love arrangements, derangements, confusions with images of Simon and James hanging in the air, no support, practically a miracle, no love or any emotion needed, a little wisp of smoke eyes. Their eyes. Initial positions are so small you'll hardly notice [investors again, no one knows who you are, sadly] them with stop-loss limits varying according to the trade, or the season, or the whim of any passing spirit with a tinkle [tingling] sound in the morning. Each position will have a time limit at inception if you believe that you'll believe in the ancient ones [believe, for me, for my health] and be closed when that limit is reached, or when the mood takes Simon and James out of their fantastic fantasy worlds and back to the matter in hand, the investor's hand, not God's. That would be too big a hand. It wouldn't fit in the world. Oh, by the way, don't be afraid, for no position will comprise more than 8 per cent of the portfolio initially. The fund will be marketed [pushed in their mouths, a rag soaked in petrol, it's almost sexual] to [light it, now, fuck] European qualified investors, including family orifices, wealth managers, mystic travellers, chaotic lovers, and funds of killer funds.'

I'm not going round a fourth time.

O Master, one more time!