Tuesday, 10 August 2010

Goldman Sachs' trading losses and gains

No one can match my hustle as I soar through the sky. It feels so good. Traders at Goldman Sachs know this feeling, although they occasionally lose money. But I'm sure they make more money than they lose.

Apparently, Goldman's traders lost money on ten separate days during the second quarter. That leaves a lot of days on which they obviously made money. So we should be celebrating those gains, not drawing attention to the losses.

But some people just love hearing bad news about Goldman Sachs. Or reporting it.

I have been speaking to my dear friend Lloyd Blankfein. This is what he had to say: 'Mikey, jealousy is a terrible thing. (Oh, Lloyd, tell me about it.) Okay, I will. There are a lot of people who want to see us fail. Like the journalists. (They're the worst.) They hate to think of us flying high in the friendly astral sky, with dollar bills stuck to our faces, the ghostly fingers of financiers long dead caressing us, and the soothing voice of Big Herb in our ears telling us that all is right with the world. The best they can hope for is a stale sandwich at lunchtime and a quick jerk-off in the can before trudging back to their desks. It's not much of a life.'

Yes, as ever, Lloyd has managed to get to the heart of the matter.