Tuesday, 17 August 2010

Sherborne Investors buys £15 million stake in F&C Asset Management

Yes, Sherborne Investors has bought 5.2 per cent of F&C Asset Management. God knows why. They're a bunch of bullies, aren't they? Locking people in broom cupboards! Disgraceful! But shares in F&C went up 23 per cent on the news. So they must be popular.

But that's not what interests me. What interests me is Edward Bramson, the founder of Sherborne Investors. Legend has it, Mr Bramson had a turnaround experience as early as 1977. Remarkable!

Well, I have been speaking to Eddie. This is what he told me: 'Michael, it's all true. I'm a veteran of the astral plane. How old were you in 1977? (I was only eight, Eddie.) Eight years old! And now you're almost running the joint. Did you know that I was friends with Big Herb back in the days when he was just another financial worker in the City? He wasn't even a shaman when I first met him. (That's amazing, Eddie! I bet you have some stories. Like the turnaround, yeah?) Oh, the turnaround. The greatest experience of my life. My first season in the desert, just Big Herb and me, beneath the stars and under the sun, and let's not forget the moon. It changed everything, my whole outlook. (Big Herb was there?!) Yes, it was his first season as well. We were pioneers, in a way. Oh, I know the dead financiers have been around for centuries, but nobody ever burned in the desert like we did, not in those days. I get quite emotional, looking back. Big Herb, gone now. Such a tragic accident. That blasted space hopper! I warned him, you know. But he became a money god on the plane. So all's well that ends well. Death is not the end. (Amen to that!) I suppose you're looking forward to the afterlife yourself, aren't you, Michael? (Er, I'm not in any rush, Eddie.) Of course not. You're still a young man. Still raging with mystic fire on this cold earth, eh? Full of passion! How I envy you! What do I have to look forward to? (Oh, come on, Eddie!) I sometimes imagine I'm in the desert again. A young man with everything to live for! (Eddie, mate, get a grip! You're not even sixty yet, are you?) Oh, the Reaper! Let me slip away! We had joy, we had fun, we had ... (Eddie, are you winding me up?) Yes, I'm bloody well winding you up! I've just bought over 5 per cent of F&C. You're so gullible! (You're just a brilliant actor, mate. The Terry Jacks routine was a bit much though.) See ya, Mike!'

That was Edward Bramson on the phone this morning. What a character!