Thursday, 26 August 2010

Strange fat fingers on the London Stock Exchange

What was all the drama yesterday at the LSE? No, not that commie learning establishment, I mean the London Stock Exchange. From the Telegraph: 'The circuit breakers, designed to prevent excessive volatility, kicked in at about 2pm, suspending trading in shares in BT Group, Hays, Next, Northumbrian Water and United Utilities after each stock moved more than 5pc from their opening price.' Strange fat fingers, ain't it?

Remember the Procter & Gamble fat finger back in May? I said at the time that only Big Herb could have a finger that fat. Now we're dealing with a number of strange fat fingers, and I think we have to rule Big Herb out because even his fingers are not that fat, and no one has ever described them as strange.

O Master, have you been on the wine? It's the trades that were 'strange', not the fat fingers. What's more, the Telegraph is not suggesting that there were a number of fingers. I think you'll find that the trades were executed by one horrible fat finger in the possession of the dastardly Jack Pickles.

Ah, you're wrong there, my child. I know Jack's hands almost as well as I know my own, and I can tell you that his fingers are pretty slim. Even his thumbs couldn't really be described as fat thumbs. And no one - not even the esteemed Telegraph - is suggesting that they were fat-thumb trades.

I'll say it again: the trades were executed by one horrible fat finger in the POSSESSION of the dastardly Jack Pickles.

You mean it wasn't his finger?!

He cut the finger off one of those hellish furry giants. That's the finger he used. Quite ingenious!

How do you know this?

Keith told me.

And how does Keith know?

I don't know.

Keith? I'm not sure. We both know he's a wanker.

Well, that's what he said. The Proctor & Gamble finger as well.

No, that was Big Herb.

Not according to Keith.

Oh, Keith is a wanker! I don't believe any of this.

You never know. Keep an open mind, boss.