Thursday, 6 May 2010

Jimmy Cayne and the big, fat goose - and the werewolves!

O Master, what the fuck?!

Yeah. That's what I said. The former chief executive of Bear Stearns, Jimmy Cayne, told the Financial Crisis Inquiry Commission in the US yesterday that the bank had been a 'big, fat goose walking down the lane, about to get eaten alive'. He also spoke of werewolves.

Werewolves. Jesus!

Yeah. Hedge fund werewolves.


I know. Jimmy has cracked up!

Has he really cracked up?

Well, he phoned me after his testimony. Judge for yourself: 'Mikey, they tore us apart! They ripped the flesh from our bones! Evil teeth! Red eyes! And not from lack of sleep. They were hedgies of the night, Michael. Beware the moon, lad. Or they will get you too. And stay away from me! It's in my blood now, the evil! Yes, I am a werewolf! If you see me, oh, don't let me bite you. Don't let me scratch you. You should get some garlic bread. For vampires, I know, but what harm will it do? Try Domino's. I will change my form. Mild-mannered banker becomes a beast! It's been known to happen. It happens to me - a hell of a lot. But worse things happen at sea, right? Like Nosferatu on that fucking boat! You must believe me. Has anyone got any silver bullets? Someone do me a favour. Put me out of my misery! I am capable of anything. Those bastard hedgies! When's the next full moon? I'll come to you, Mikey. I'll crawl on your rooftop. You'll be lying in bed. "What's that noise? What's that howling? That ain't no urban fox. That's Jimmy!" Then you'll be fucked! It will be far too late. I'll be at your throat! An American werewolf in London! You better get some mountain ash. Fuck the garlic bread! Get some mountain ash! Mikey, save yourself!'

Oh dear.